The GIFT of GREAT parenting
11 things you could do to give your child the very best you can give them (from a non-expert)
I am a huge biography buff. I’ve always been interested in people and know all the intricacies, decisions and actions that led to how they came to be where they are today. This week I watched a mini-series on Kanye West called, jeen-yuhs, A Kanye Trilogy on Netflix. Putting aside the controversial aspect of Kanye’s most recent decisions, after watching the series, no one can deny that he’s a complete musical genius, hands down. Music aside, what was most salient to me in watching this series was his unrelenting resilience and pin-pointed focus on his abilities, despite repeatedly failing to reach his goals many times over. Even I, who prides herself on never giving up, would have given up long ago, but he never faltered in his belief that he would be world-famous one day. The puzzle of this super-human resilience made more sense when the series covered his relationship with his mother, Donda West, and then it all came together. She was his number one cheerleader. There were two scenes specifically where she spoke to him and every word that came out of her mouth praised and encouraged him beyond anything I am familiar with. Half jokingly, half sheepishly, I turned to my 14 year-old daughter, who was also watching it with me, and practiced giving her that same level of intense encouragement. I realized I have been a supportive parent this whole time, but at Donda West’s level of rallying? never.
A few years ago, I heard someone (and I wish I could remember who) claim that the way we speak to our kids will later be their inner voice when they adults. This information made sense and completely changed the way I address my own children from that moment forward. When talking to them I always make sure to use words that express how valuable they are or words that reflect back to them the positive qualities I see in them. Yet, after learning of Donda West, is there more to this I need to be doing? To answer this, check out the relationship between tennis stars Venus and Vanessa Williams with their father, “King Richard”, as he was called. I do not know much about them but I do know that “King Richard” would repeat many positive affirmations to the girls, such as “you are a winner”, throughout their entire childhood.
Although there is no such thing as parent school, it does not take a genius to generally know what would work to set your child on the right path to happiness and maybe even HUGE success….here is my own personal list of 11 things you could do to give your child a leg up in the world…Mind you, I am a reflective parent who still has lots of work to do, so take what I say with a ‘grain of salt’. I should also add a disclaimer here….I am not a therapist or a counselor, but I am a parent of two teens and I am an educator of children of 22 years. So take what you want, leave the rest. Let’s start:
Time- time equals care and love and it SCREAMS “you matter” much, much more than money, gifts could ever do. What you do during this time? Anything. A great place to start, if you are at a loss of where to start, teach your child what you know how to do. If you know how to clean a house, show them that, if you know how to do masonry, or fix motorcycles, do that. Once the child has an opinion they will show their own interests and then you and spend time doing that, but in the meantime, let them fold some laundry.
When you speak to your child think of how you can use your tone and your words to genuinely and clearly convey their value as a unique soul. Notice I did not say their value to you….. while that is also good, I feel it connects their value to you. Want them to see their value independent of you? then just express to them their value as a unique human. “You are creative”, “I notice you always see the good in people”, “those colors you picked shows you have fashion sense”.
When you speak to your child think of how you can use your tone and your words to genuinely and affirmatively speak into existence the words you are uttering. This is a bit different than the one above. It’s because it creates the future…through words. If you notice your son is responsible for his things, let him know it. If you notice your daughter is kind to a fault to all people, mention it to her. Be the mirror, but also project forward and let them know just what kind of amazing grown up they will make one day. “When you become a woman I can tell your home will be neat”. NEVER predict a negative, no matter how sure you are of this outcome. You will bring this negative into existence for sure. In other words, never say, “I can tell you will have no friends in the future if you continue this way.” If you have nothing good to say, simple don’t say it. Words are THAT powerful.
Take lead from your child. Be attentive to your child’s interests. Beware, the interests of your child will be COMPLETELY different things than you may be familiar with. Pokemon, manga, bottle tossing. Don’t just pooh, pooh it anymore. Be prepared to restrain yourself and teach yourself until you also see their value so you don’t down their interests.You may still not understand, just don’t down it. Luke, my son became involved in baseball when the Nats had a great year a decade ago and we simply followed his lead. Here we are, he’s 17 and still at it.
No matter what your financial situation may be, be prepared to figure out ways to provide your child with the resources they need to do their art, whatever that may be. With Elon Musk it might have been having access to computer parts, with Keith Haring it might have been drawing with dad every evening. You do not need money for this, but you do need to be a fervent advocate, at the very least.
If you are a single parent- know that you are STILL perfectly aligned to give your child everything he/she needs to succeed. Do not waste your time thinking of the lack of a second parent. Mind over matter here. It make a difference, if you focus on it and make it make a difference. You’ve got this. No doubt it’s much harder, but what will make a huge difference is the amount of focus we place on this and how we label it. It could be a lack, but it could also be a loving challenge.
Lots of talking please!! As a teacher of kids in kindergarten for 2 decades now, I can immediately tell which kids, even at age 5, whom are talked to constantly at home and whom are not. Don’t assume just because your child is young you can’t talk to them about complex things. Talk to them all the time, about everything……no matter how little they are. Describe things, ask questions, explain, answer questions (for the 100th time). The more you talk to them the more they will build their vocabulary and understand complex nuances. Reading is good too, obviously. But as someone whose mom never read to me as a child, because she was busy working, the talking we all did as a family was perfectly sufficient. I’d say it’s just as powerful, if not more.
Sense of belonging is everything. Who one belongs to might not even be an issue for someone with a stable family but when our sense of belonging is vague one can spend an enormous amount of energy focused on this search for belonging. I do not have the exact answers here, except that as someone who has had to do just that; spend years of energy “finding myself”, I know how consuming and detrimental this may be to one’s self-esteem. Again, I am no expert of psychology, but it does not take a genius to know that no matter how many places a child has to call home, that sense of belonging is essential to emotional well-being. Creating new traditions together is a great way to envelop children into the fold and make them feel at home. But the list of ways to bring out that sense of belonging is endless, can you think of one?
Live your life as an example. You are your child’s first teacher. They will do exactly as you do, less so as you say. Live out the exact qualities you want your child to mimic later on. You can lecture until you are blue but no lesson will sink in as deeply or viscerally as your actions. For example, when my husband and I argue about anything I always make sure we verbally apologize to each other within earshot of whichever child was privy to the interaction. With this they get to see that couples can argue but that they also apologize and make up too. These may seem insignificant actions on their own but over time they become the blueprint they follow in their future relationships.
Let them go. Early on know that your kids are only on loan to you and they do not belong to you. This frame of thinking will help you create the most emotionally stable adults and allows you to view them as individuals that will one day be independent adults. In my culture there is a lot of generational dependence, where what you do with your life reflects everything in your family. I know the immense weight of these expectations and I have chosen to disconnect from that aspect of my culture. I have made the decision to not impose my dependence on my children. But that is merely an example. What frame of mind helps you make decisions for your child that will have implications as an adult?
Consciously choose what parts of your culture or upbringing you want to continue and which ones you need to reassess and edit change or erase all together. Just because your parent(s) did something a certain way does not need to be THE argument for doing things the same exact way. Your parent’s ways were not commandments. They, like you, were merely doing the best they could with the tools they had….at the time….. You are allowed to reassess the usefulness of these “tools” to your situation without feeling guilty if you choose to let some of them go. Make sure that the habits you consciously choose to raise your child makes sense and most importantly, benefits your child in the long run. One example that comes to mind is how, in my culture, the Latino culture, we make our kids hug relatives, no matter how foreign or distant this relative is to the child. This has always bothered me. Is that something we perhaps, as parents, need to rethink? I certainly think so!!