Quality over quantity, Friendship edition
Pair down your friendship list for some needed sanity and peace
In my 20’s I had 20 plus people I considered true friends and now I have maybe 5 I feel are friends. Also, If you’re in your 20’s reading this you’re probably feeling bad for me at the moment, well, don’t!! I am purposefully having this few friends. Having a small set of friends has been the most emotionally healthy thing I have done for myself in the past 2-3 years. Pairing down naturally happens as women get older and wiser with age. I am 48 years old and I am proud to say that the friends I have not only know me well but love me unconditionally and do not require me to be anything BUT myself. As we age we learn that no relationship that feels like an “uphill battle” is worth your time. But, how do we know who to pear down from our list. Here are some tips to help you make your life simpler.
One, KNOW that people do not change, especially when you want/need them to change. Stop wasting your life trying to fix people. People only change when they want to change and at times it might take decades for these transformations to take place.
Two, however things are now, the intensity and polished nature of it will decrease with time. So if NOW this person is a pain in the **s, fast forward a year and multiply that by 2. This is a good one when you make a new friend or get into a new romantic relationship and they already set you off. If NOW they’re driving you crazy, do the math, fast forward a year or two and see the craziness of your life then. Exactly!
Three, your body will rarely betray you. If, on a consistent level, you feel scared, stressed, frantic, nervous, awkward in the presence of a person, LISTEN to it. These hunches used to be called “red flags”. They matter, they mean something, pay attention to them. I once broke up with a friend and had every intention of repairing the friendship until I noticed how light I felt without him and decided to just walk away altogether. Best decision I ever made.
Four, if time time away from an individual feels light, refreshing, or even amazing, as if a huge weight has been lifted off you, it’s time to build in some space between you and this person.
Five. You have to be able to argue back and still feel emotionally and physically safe with all your relationships. This is a non-negotiable everyone! If anyone in your life makes you feel bad about speaking up for something that matters to you, question that. It’s not healthy to build a habit where you bottle-up your emotions just to save another the aggravation of processing your feelings. Now this is not to say people should be bombarded with your feelings and if they don’t want to hear it that means they don’t care, no, don’t do that and no, that is not what I mean. If the you are in a relationship with friend or a romantic partner and they have a hard time being in the role of the accused, do still express yourself but give them time to respond back. With two people who wish to stay involved, despite troubles, do work together to come up with a system of communication that allows both of you to still express your feelings but in a way that respects the other’s need for space.