Hello Darkness My Old Friend....
The anatomy of depression and strategies I have found to successfully bring back the light
On January 22nd, 2007 a wonderful, amazing human and dear friend took his life and took my heart with him. He’s had a lifetime of battles with depression and drugs, and this night he lost. This was not his first attempt at killing himself either. There was the time he was medevaced to the hospital after cutting up his arms and another when he had to get his stomach pumped from a purposeful drug overdose. Then there were a few other times of which I only found out the morning after, when he’d verbally rejoice with intense gratitude that his unnoticed attempt, the night before, did not work.
I was living in NY at the time when I found out. He had just called me to chat a few days ago and I was busy being a mom to my toddler, Luke, and promised to call him back, then forgot to call back. A very human mistake, I know, but one I did not allow myself to forget or forgive. We had been a romanic couple back in the day, 8 years I deeply loved a human who deeply suffered until I could not do it anymore. Like the gentleman he was, he was devastated but honored my wishes and moved on. After our break-up we became great friends. He met my now husband and even came to visit me after the birth of my firstborn. At the time of his passing I was very pregnant with my daughter. Nora, who was born exactly 5 months later. I remember that day as if it was this morning. I hope you, reader, never have to face your deepest, darkest fear. This suicide had been my deepest fear for years and here it was, before me, in real life, unfolding horrifically at full speed, with no compassion for my broken heart. The numbness did not wear off for years. Today, 16 years later, I still deeply mourned this loss. This amazing human showed me love at a time I was most desperate and saved me from so much. His impact on my life had been and will forever be immeasurable on so many levels. But, despite the predictability of my friend’s outcome based on prior attempts and the growing drug abuse and depression, the news still shocked me to my core and left me with this unnatural fear that at any moment I might again lose a loved one to suicide. I know logically this is a mental overcorrection brought on by the trauma from the loss, but I can’t help it, it’s a fear that is always lurking. I am always expecting, looking for clues and holding tight for that shock, that horror to come back and once again break my heart.
I believe we all have depression. Some of us just have strategies which work better to keep us afloat and some of us, like my friend, are not so lucky. But yes, I very much believe we all have depression. In my case, I have always referred to my own depression as, “having sadness in me”. Even when I am happy and joyous and feeling at the top of my game, I am fully aware that at any given moment this sadness can creep out. So yes, we all have the tendency to go there. Why wouldn’t we? If we have ever opened our hearts to anyone, surely had our hearts have been touched, broken, tugged, or fluttered….Yes, life is sad, tragic, horrific, shocking…..Life is all these horrible things, but also life is joyous, full of love, sunlights and rainbows too. As you can imagine, I’ve had many years to reflect the “what ifs” about my friend. What if he just have had a good night’s sleep? what if he just reached out to someone that night? what if he’d been in love?…. Would any of these paths have rendered a better outcome?. We will never know. I also have had many years to reflect on what strategies work for me personally when I myself begin to sink. I am happy to report that I have found a few strategies which have helped me come out of these moments of depression. Maybe some of these can resonate with you, the reader.
One strategy I have found to be incredibly useful to help me come out of depression in the past couple years is using Byron Katie's (BK) method of questioning ones thoughts. You see, when we get depressed we tend to weave our thoughts with the bits and pieces laying about. We don’t always weave a happy story either, most of the time we use the pieces to weave a fear-filled narrative, one that does not serve us one bit. What BK teaches is that these pieces do not need to be weaved in such a narrative. We could easily mold any narrative we want, and in noticing that she allows us to see who the narrator really is. Byron Katie’s method allows us to see just how much we believe and cling to the narrative we tell ourselves, when all along all narratives are illusions. Her program has a simple four-part question that you ask yourself and if these questions are answered with thoughtfulness, presence, and truthfulness one can bring about an amazing transformation within minutes. Lucky for me, she has created an app called, “The Work”, which I use whenever I feel the need to process my thoughts thought this method. It's almost like magic how processing one’s thoughts using the 4 questions brings about an almost immediate change in one's perspective of the problem. The method pokes air into the troublesome narrative which may be causing all the stress.
Another strategy which has proven to be personally successful is thinking of myself like a rechargeable battery. Like a battery, we humans need to get recharged in order to work properly. Like a battery, if our energy levels run low we tend to misfire and make mistakes. Therefore, it's incredibly important to frame the way we are looking at a problem through the proper perspective, are we also tired? Are we also hungry? Could we be physically depleted? Did we work-out too hard the night before? Did we drink too much the night before? Did we drink too much just an hour ago? Did we just have an argument with someone else that is still lingering in our hearts? The mind and the thoughts it produces does not exist separate from the body and its environment. If we are truly serious about tackling an instance of depression and want it gone, then we also need to be honest with ourselves and take full responsibility for the ways in which the way we treat our body and the environments in which we allow ourselves to exist in which will absolutely contribute to the way we feel. Mental health IS the end result of physical health. Mental health IS the result from spiritual health, mental health IS the result of eating well, mental health is possible when we ONLY choose people in our lives who make us feel safe, loved, and cared for. Therefore, it's perfectly OK to have sadness in us, it's perfectly OK to feel down every once in a while. Yet, if we're serious about truly taking on our depression, these other aspects absolutely need to be in place too. They all work alongside one another.
Other lesser strategies which work well in conjunction with the above ones are (1) allowing time to, (2) allowing for space, (3) being outdoors and (4) sleep. Somewhere I read that when someone is upset it takes literally 9 minutes for that negative energy to leave the body, that is if we stop reliving it in our heads that is. If we allow time to pass without retelling the narrative carrying the negativity then we might be able to blow off the feelings of depression. Space also helps me. If my depression is made worse by the pretense of someone or people, by all means seek a space which feels safe. This might be an empty room, a dark bedroom with a bed, out in the forest, a closet, who knows!! I must also add that being outdoors alone can make one feel better immediately. But MOST important for a total reset is sleep. I have found that if I fall asleep in the midst of an episode I wake with a refreshed outlook finding it almost impossible to even image just how hopeless I felt right before sleeping. The results are drastic and very soothing. We should all seek sleep when we are down, it not only resets the body but one’s very thought patterns.