I have always hated romantic movies, with a passion!!! They put forth only one version of a successful relationship that chokes out all other relationship possibilities. My belief is that relationships can work in so many combinations. Relationships, as the ones we see in the movies, do exist and that is great and wonderful, but they are not the only types of good working relationships out there. Different people vary in their priorities and these priorities can be as varied as stars in the Universe. Never judge your own relationship by what anyone else thinks, for anyone experiencing your relationship from the outside can and will misread its successfulness for they can only ever asses it through their biased lens, none other. Only you, while IN the relationship can truly say if the relationship functions or not to meet your needs.
When I was 12 a boy in my class in NYC public schools decided he loved me and thought telling the whole class and writing me love letters about his affection for me was his winning ticket to my heart. The whole situation terrified me. His intensity and drive to define our “relationship” was so unnerving that I rejected him outright. My whole being was repulsed by his forcefulness and I never even considered it for a split second due to the trauma it created in my life. He rallied the classmates to also verbally pester me to respond to his pleas, which only made me reject him more fervently. There is no surprise then that today I am happily married to a man who burns pretty cool. So cool in fact we are hardly ever seen in public together. When we met it was I that chased him and it took him 5 years and a me being pregnant for him to propose. To an outsider we might not seem as such a successful relationship but to both of us it fits like a glove.
In a book called Committed, by one of my all-time favorite author, Elizabeth Gilbert, she interviews couples from all over the world about their marriage. Not surprisingly only in America did the women overwhelmingly believe that their marriage was meant to fulfill every one of their emotional needs. In other countries, women had friends and family sharing the responsibilities with the husband of fulfilling her emotional needs. I also believe this. For example, when I need advice on a work-related matter I may never even talk to my husband about it before I make a decision. I have friends and or family in all walks of life who I connect with on all sorts of levels, my husband is essential to my life, but his role may not be giving me work advice but his presence is essential. We function well because no one else makes me feel simultaneously safe and independent at the same time and that matters to me. We also function because he shows a deep level of commitment to our little family and that matters to me. Ultimately we choose a life partner that have the KEY qualities that matter to us and everything else is a mixed up box of chocolates and we learn to love the small idiosyncrasies.
When I met my husband we were both living in a group house. He had this bossy way about him and a million and one “shoulds” in the kitchen. Forks SHOULD sit in the sink thingy facing up, knives SHOULD sit facing down so you don’t stab yourself, water SHOULD not sit in a pot overnight, it will rust it, and so on. Anyone looking in from the outside would have considered him mad. But, you learn that the way we view others is a choice, always. I could think of him as bossy and tyrannical in the kitchen or I can see this bossiness of his as ridiculously adorable. Yup. it’s adorable. His bossy little self can’t help it and I just give him a huge hug and kiss and move on. We all have such things that we can’t help. I can only hope he sees my annoyances and also thinks them adorable. So assess your relationship for yourself. Stop watching romantic movies and redefine love in your own terms. When you’ve found the one you will know it because you won’t be scared and you will be yourself 100%.